I’m a bit overwhelmed these days, you guys.
I know, I know, I hardly look like a harried businesswoman in my quirky Le Coq sweatshirt. I’m thinking this is the beginning of a mild obsession with the brand. Their sneakers are amazing too! Here are my faves:
But really, Arclight has two new clients and I’ve been a content-writing, social-media-managing machine over here. I keep saying I want to make more time for the blog, but there’s only so much you can do in a day. I also want to have a clean apartment and cook my meals at home and work out and text people back and be sane and maybe learn French one day because being trilingual would be like, so chic of me right?
Just kidding about the last part. I think I’m funny when I’m drunk or tired and right now I’m the latter.
You know what though? I’m loving the fast-paced days, even if they’re making me a bit stressed. I was always a hard worker, and I feel like I’ve reunited with a core part of my personality. Plus weekends and vacays are more fun when they actually feel different from the rest of your life!
(To anyone who has never had a patch of time during which they were not working, that last sentence probably sounded spoiled. But trust me when I say I’m being 110% genuine! Not having any purpose or responsibilities WILL make you crazy.)
Anyway, I basically just wanted to say hi!
I have two extremely long, unfinished posts about my Lenten modified VS Angel diet and quest for body positivity saved as drafts. And another page and a half of “Okay Maya, your crazy is showing…” content that I extracted and put in a Google Doc. That’s the really dark stuff, in case I ever write my tragic novel. I already have the perfect pen name and title so now all I need to do is write the book. 😉
#EnglishMajorProbs. (Do I use that hashtag too often?)
That’s the thing though, this blog isn’t under a pen name. My less-than-healthy past with food and body image is closely entwined with my relationships with my husband, family, friends, and God, my career, and… well, with me. I’m finding myself unsure of what I really want to share. Posting something on the internet is like squeezing toothpaste out of a tube: you can’t put it back in there.
So don’t hold your breath on the publication of “Victoria’s Seeking: A Lenten VS Angel Diet & Quest for Body Positivity.” (I just had to tell you the title because I felt so darn clever when I thought of “Victoria’s Seeking” lol.) I’ll decide what parts I do and don’t want to publish and then post it at some point… hopefully before Easter so it’s at least somewhat seasonally appropriate. However, if you want to know more, I do talk about it a good bit on snapchat: mayaes. For those of you who don’t have snapchat, here’s a quick breakdown:
- I’m on a modified version of the VS Angel Diet for Lent.
- “Modified version” means very modified in this case. My main resources are HERE and HERE, but they’re more inspiration than mandate. I’m not not sticking to the exact schedule in the second resource and I added in nuts, fruit, fish, eggs, and even the occasional piece of whole grain toast to the “allowed” list. I’m also listening to my body rather than counting exact calories.
- Perhaps more importantly, I gave up body-negative thoughts and words for Lent.
- If I do think things like, “Why are my thighs so disgustingly doughy?! Saddlebags, I HATE YOU!!” I have to replace that thought with something like, “I have gorgeous thighs! Thank you God for this beautiful, strong, healthy body.”
My Lenten practice came from the realization that I was gaining weight because of some emotional eating, and also the realization that just because my body no longer looks emaciated doesn’t mean my mind feels that much better. A little better, yes. But also unhealthy in new ways, including an unhappy obsession with the aforementioned weight gain. I know to most people I look better. Numerous friends have confessed how worried they were when they saw NYC pictures of me, and Stephen certainly isn’t complaining about the bigger butt and thighs or lack of hunger-induced emotional fits.
But deep down I still struggle. I eat when I’m not hungry. I agonize over the amount I eat when I am hungry. I get upset about my body constantly.
My modeling dreams are stronger than ever, so I want to get a grip on things. But when I watch my weight more closely, I tend to get utilize negative, self-hating motivation and get borderline anorexic. Then I consequently struggle with these weird night-eating binges where I wake up from a sound sleep at 3 am, scarf down four granola bars in a minute flat, and wake up the next morning beyond furious with myself.
Even though my body size is healthier than it was at 107 pounds, my mind still isn’t fully healthy. So I figured the combination of an extremely nutritious (but not too calorie-restricted) diet while implementing “fake it til you make it” positivity could maybe help. I think Lent is the perfect time to take this need for healing to God. I truly believe it’s His will for me is to have a body I’m happy with and that can facilitate my modeling career goals AND a mind that doesn’t dwell on food 24/7 regardless of my size. I hope God will guide my path and that these healthy Lenten habits will be the beginning of a more balanced life. I am also trying to pray daily for all the women (and men!) out there who have dealt/are currently dealing with similar issues. (If you are one of them, this is the National Eating Disorders Association website. While I believe prayer is a powerful thing, I also believe God wants us to proactively help ourselves!)
On a note more cheerful than body and food demons, I have a few life updates and random things to tell you:
- Stephen, two other couples, and I are going camping in Ginnie Springs tomorrow and we are so excited!
- After that, the husbae and I are NC bound for two weeks.
- His birthday is in exactly a month!
- I bought a gorgeous vintage dresser a few weeks ago and my mom and I repainted my sister’s old desk from when she lived at home.
- I feel like when we get back from NC, I’m going to have a renewed stab at finishing all the last touches our apartment needs
- (Maybe those last touches are never-ending?)
- I had a very fun and easy photo shoot on Tuesday! I got to watch the sunrise and lounge at the beach all morning. Not complaining 😉
- I really want a fascia blaster. My extended family member Melissa (she’s my stepmother-in-law’s niece) who is gorgeous and super into health and fitness has been posting about it on both her instagram and blog and it sounds ah-mazing!
- My sister is coming from LA and my cousin and her boyfriend and their baby are coming from Germany at the end of the month and I’m so excited!!!
- I know I’m going to get really baby crazy and Stephen is going to be like “chill” but secretly kinda like it. He is actually pretty excited to be a dad in a few years. Now and then he’ll rub my belly and say, “There’s going to be a baby in there one day! You’re going to be the most beautiful pregnant woman,” and it makes my heart happy.
- Still on Accutane though.
- Still going great! Still a miracle drug!
- I decided I like one of my “underwhelming drugstore moisturizers” after all. It’s called Udderly Smooth and it’s actually a body cream but I use it on my face. It’s thick but simultaneously silky. Tbh I hadn’t even opened or tried it at the time of my sarcastic remark in this post. I’d written the Udderly Smooth off after I didn’t find the classic CeraVe to be as mind-blowing as everyone said, but when I finally dug it out of the back of a random drawer, I was like “Okay Udderly smooth, I see you!!”
- Speaking of skin I want to try these Coffee Matcha face wipes. Two of my favorite bloggers raved about them recently– have any of you tried them?!
- I just bought organic cacao powder for the first time. Crazy, right? How did I wait so long?! It’s to die for!!!
- I’m also still in a committed relationship with maca powder. My mom just bought her first bag of maca because she read about how it helps keep you young and is a great supplement in general. She texted me, “Have you tried maca?” and I was like “YESSSS IT IS EVERYTHING!!! Remember it from my early blog posts?!” (Also used in a great Smoothie Bowl recipe here.)
- The “helps keep you young” part might explain why I’ve been getting “You’re twenty-six?!? I assumed you were nineteen!” from literally every new person I’ve met recently.
- I can’t even explain how excited that makes me! You know how attractive middle aged/older people who look much younger than their actual age go around *casually* making reference to how old they are as often as possible and enjoying their conversation partner’s ensuing reaction? I realized I’ve totally started doing that. Shameless, I know. 😉 Also crazy to think I’m old enough to be stoked about looking younger.But all joking aside, it makes me feel validated, like all the nutritional research, long hours at the gym, and thousands of dollars I’ve put into things like Accutane, dermatological grade face washes, and constant stream of fancy nutritional supplements are paying off. If I can give you all some unsolicited advice, I would say invest in your BODY and SKIN rather than clothes and other material things. I’m definitely a girl on a budget, but I’d rather spend my money on being the 26-year-old who looks nineteen and wears Forever 21 than the 26-year-old who looks thirty-four and wears designer duds. Optimally one day I’ll be able to afford both but for now those are definitely my financial priorities. (And obviously they’re time priorities too!!)
I could/should write a whole post on #18.
(More on the supplements, tips like “invest in Latisse but buy drugstore mascara,” etc.)
In this context, it might have sounded a little self-righteous, brag-y, or preachy. I hope it didn’t! But honestly, investing in my physical self more than my material things was something I didn’t learn until I started modeling and I wish I’d started sooner. It’s a little embarrassing but there was actually a significant period of time in college I washed my face with regular bar soap (my skin was pretty much clear, so I was just being cheap and lazy because I thought I could). The tips at Ruby Tuesday may have been terrible, but if I’d known then what I do now, I would have at least ponied up for some Neutrogena! Live and learn, I guess. This crazy life of ours is good for learning, that’s for sure.
Okay that’s it for now! Here’s a widget of the items mentioned in the post, including the aforementioned wipes. I will also include the awesome blender that is my ride or die for all my VS angel inspired smoothies with lots of maca and cacao. 🙂
Happy Friday!!! Have a wonderful weekend!
My sweatshirt was from my last wishlist, so here’s a new one! I’m currently craving romantic spring florals–wedding guest/rehearsal dinner outfits in particular!–, pretty mugs, silky Pjs, and home decor touches. (The shoes on the second widget page don’t really fall into any of those categories, but I love all of them too!)