Happy Tuesday, everyone!
Sorry I couldn’t resist using such a circa 2008 Seventeen Magazine title. (Is it just me or was everything in all those issues of Cosmo Girl, Teen Vogue, etc. “flirty”?)To be honest though, that’s how I feel in my silky floral shorts–yes, they’re actually shorts! They have a certain flouncy flair, plus I definitely associate floral with a little bit of summer lovin’. [Florals are romantic? Groundbreaking.] 😉
I’ve been wearing these shorts around the house a lot this past week or two, and I feel more fun and lighthearted in them. For awhile I’d stopped taking the advice I doled out in my Lounge & Lingerie & Life Lessons post and was totally wearing my PJs every day, but I decided I needed a little extra spring [pun intended] in my step!The past couple weeks have been hard because I finally dug my head out of the sand and realized that my current acne medications aren’t cutting it and I’m going to have to go on Accutane.
I was so optimistic at the beginning of these acne struggles. I figured I’d enjoy the time off modeling to start this blog, relax, and spend lots of time with Stephen. I assumed after maybe three months of medication, I’d be heading out to go “on stay” (when a model lives and works in a given market) somewhere!
I never anticipated that the two pills + two topical medications + fancy medicated sunscreen regimen would be fruitless… but here I am.
I know there are worse problems than acne in this world, but it’s been tough to deal with. No one likes acne, especially not when it’s separating them from the dream career that was–for a year that went by in the blip of a heartbeat–their actual career too.After a decade of being too cowardly to pursue my dream job, I finally did it at the ripe old age of almost 24 (I’m being somewhat sarcastic, but that’s, like, seventy-six-and-a-half in model years lol.)
When I finally put myself out there, I was abundantly blessed with hands-down the best agency a model could ask for. I was further humbled by the support of my family, friends, acquaintances, and most of all my now-husband.I progressed at a decently fast rate too. Spotted by the Alexander Wang casting director, I headed to New York for the first time only months after I signed. Wide-eyed, bumbling and terrified, I butchered my first attempt at Fashion Week and returned home disheartened.
But I persevered.
I licked my wounds from the comfort of my fiancé’s steady arms. I received pep talks from my agents, who started to feel more and more like family each day.A few months later, I signed in NYC and spent the summer there. Subsequently I signed in Milan, and ventured across the pond two days after my wedding. (Idk why I just typed that… I actually dislike when people say “across the pond”… It’s so *wannabecasual* yet ironically pretentious.)
Modeling was the catalyst for finally liking myself. It persistently gnawed through the steel shackles of my lifelong inferiority complex. It was my biggest, at times most soul-crushing challenge and my most magnetic, boundless, invigorating, life-giving reward.
I’ve been feeling a little bit like I had sex with modeling.
Is that weird?
The fashion industry is a passionate, complicated lover I brought to my room, and my acne is him not staying for toast and my thickly brewed coffee the next morning.
I gave him so much.
I really did.
I loved him so much… and still do.
I hated my body because of things he said; I loved my body because of things he said. I worshipped him. I ran off with Fashion two days after my wedding, forgoing a honeymoon.
I even fought with my real, handsome, flesh-and-blood man, over my loyalty to my lover. I couldn’t go on dinner dates or bake cookies with my man; my lover wanted me skinny. I couldn’t share a home with my man; my lover wanted me in New York. I couldn’t provide any guarantees to my man; my lover changed his mind at the drop of a hat. He was full of last-minute schedule changes and being “on option” and waiting forever for a day that might never come.
But my God, what a lover he was.
He introduced me to the gift of fitness, awakened the realization I had control over my own body and my own destiny. He instilled in me a passion for nutrition that I will keep forever.
He taught me how to walk with proud posture, to keep my head on a swivel in the city streets. He helped me become less of an overthinker. He helped me transform my cowardice and crippling indecision into glowing, robust action.
He made me realize how strong I am: body, mind, and soul.
He introduced me to the most vivid, beautiful, dimensional, colorful people. He took me on adventures to magical lands, and made me feel like I belonged there.
Like I too was magic.
“Sorry you poured your body and soul into this love affair… I’ll be going now,” said my lover, as my face was consumed last October. “There are other virgins out there, a gangly misunderstood slew of young and beautiful dreamers I’ve yet to ravish.”
I often wonder if he will ever return to me…
I spend my days missing him, and a little bit afraid of him too.
……..speaking of Seventeen Magazine, I might be getting a little angsty right now. 😉
I think my modeling/acne/sex analogy is something twenty-year-old Maya would have considered incredibly profound and thirty-one-year-old Maya will look at and think, “Jeez, woman, did you really put that on the internet?! Get a freaking grip.”
**Takes a step back**
Acne isn’t the worst problem you can have. It really isn’t.
Sorry if this has been a moody start to your day. I feel like I say this frequently, but I had every intention of making this a brief outfit post! And then my fingers start whirring like rebellious hummingbirds on the black keyboard and it’s game over.
Twelve paragraphs later I’ve resurfaced like, “Wow, do melodrama and pink go well together?” (Regina George would probably say yes to that question!)
Cheers to a clear and flirty summer day,
p.s. If you’re perplexed by all the acne talk vs. pictures, I’m wearing about ten pounds of my new e.l.f. foundation in “Sand” mixed with my Garner Skin Renew anti-aging BB cream (no lie, I’m starting to get some tiny wrinkles in between the pimples!) mixed with a drop of vitamin E oil (the kind from Trader Joe’s that’s actually diluted with soybean oil. Pure E would have probably been too sticky).
For my setting powder I used Revlon, the golden hour, and a healthy dose of photo editing! 😉
Skirt: Forever 21, (oldish but love these pink Bermudas)
Top: H&M (similar, similar, similar— all under $13! Also LOVING this [not similar] off-the-shoulder black & white triangle/diamond-print blouse, this ruched satin crop top, and this black blouse with the bizarrest yet most beautiful ruffle! I wonder if that last one is strange enough for everyone else to not like it so it goes on sale lol. I’m obsessed but don’t want to pay $50 for something from H&M, even if it’s a silk blend…)
Green hoops: Stein Mart, super old
Lips: NYX “Sable” topped with clear VS gloss